Monday, June 15, 2009


Today I recived a rejection email. It went something like this: Dear Hebehobo, thank you for your wonderful application. Unfortunately though you were unsucessful. Don't consider this a failure. Take heart. The assessor would like you to know that there were lots of applications of such a calibre. Don't be deterred. As Zig Zagler says on my computer "its only from the valley that the the mountain seems high".

I'm a bit over the rejection letter.

" Dear x"
Thank you for your rejection letter. I feel rejected. F""" who gives a shit whether there were 101 applicants and whether there is a recession. Forget any attempt to deliver the message in any soft packaging becasue the message of rejection is the message of rejection no matter how your attempt to package it. Anyy contestant who has recieved Silver at the Olympics knows, Silver is Silver and Silver is not Gold. F*** you. and F*** your organisation. I think your email would have much more meaning if your simply wrote "sorry lady - you lucked out".

As it happens, I looked at the stars tonight and they were beautiful. That kind of seems more important.

Somehow I know the rejections tell me I'm not pursuing the right pathway. I just have to find where the right one.

Monday, June 1, 2009


Someone stole my small gate on Friday night - while I and my neighbours slept. And now I can't sleep. What kind of person steals a gate? It was a small wiry crappy little gate. But functional. They didn't steal my gnome or anything from my back porch. I didn't report it to the Police. Now I am beginning to think perhaps I should have. Oh well. I hope it was some little gate challenge. I've tightened my security -as in removed the axe and sledgehammer from my backdoors becasue its just simply easier to leave them there than the garage - and locked my washhouse door. The thing is I must've been home when it happened - and my neighbours were also home. I went looking for it in case it had been biffed down the street - but couldn't find it. Fricken annoying - I just kept looking at all the other crappy gates in my neighbourhood and thinking why didn't they steal that one.

Thursday, May 21, 2009

Gratitude entry

Things I am grateful for - in the universe of life.

1. I have a well paid job that pays my mortgage.
2. I have my own land, and house and garden.
3. That I have a beautiful black cat that gets upset and worried when I am late home (like tonight - 2 hours - thanks Tranzmetr
4. That I can hear all sorts of sounds - ranging from the jug boiling, to Ali purring, and beautiful music of all sorts.
5. That I can see things in colour
6. That I can taste things like wine and lamb chops
7. That my electricity bill is in CREDIT
8. That tramping socks and hot water bottles keep me warm. Refer 7.
9. That the Queen has a birthday coming up in the next week - not next 2 weeks - and technically its not her birthday but who cares when it means a genuine Monday off
10. That on the whole I keep pretty good health - in that I rarely actually need to consult a GP for medical reasons - although I do probably have a few risk factors such as high blood pressure and fatty liver tissue. Refer 6.
11. That I can walk down my street in the dark in safety
12. That there is a train that enables me to get to work everyday - even though sometimes it is late.
13. That at the weekend I can bake my own bread and it is better than Rolled Oats and even Mirabelle!!
14. That I get my vegetables delivered to my back door and they are fresh as and the best as. And all those Wellington peepst have to go to Moore Wilson and check out the sourced in the Wairarapa signage and pay more!
15. That at the weekend I can go into my garden and see the things that are growing and plant more new things.

Ok, there are a few minor things that trouble me. There are a few gaps in my life - like finding true love etc. But on the whole I do actually have a lot to be thankful for and I am thankful for that.

Wednesday, May 20, 2009

MnM and pigs

This is my new term for moments I have with my Manager. If you know me, you can probably crack the code.

Well today I endured an hour or so in follow up to my entry re the horse related story. It went something like, "so now I've thought about this great strategic issue, and now I want to sit you in a room with others and we will define the story of the horse with four legs - if we have more people in the room and I speak continuously, then this story will be real"

Two points were I nearly lost it, well maybe threee. - maybe more

1. When colleague 1 said orginal briefing was impressionistic - well, hello - that was the "commissioned" brief. Perhaps colleague 1 had just been to the Monet exhibition.
2. When the manager said "intellectual capacity" was required on the project and named colleague 1 and colleague 2. wtf - this irks me no end. The whole naming of this intellectual capacity in the context it is used. I don't think I ever heard the term in my last workplace - -I don't know why but it irks me no end. No end at all.
3. When the manager asked who would hold the pen - clearly I was supposed to volunteer - but hello, why not just be explict about this stuff.
4. When colleague 2 asked is I was excited about this work - I replied I had the capacity to do the work - although clearly not in my managers view the intellectual capacity..

Yep, this stuff does not get my pulse going at all.

and tomorrow I have to front up for 1:1 - which no doubt will be a continuation of the horse story - which Ithink I am supposed to write a problem definition for which is odd given the scope of the project.

As I walked home I thought about the title of one of Charlotte Yates early albums - Deadfish Beach - and the line "I'd rather be selling shoes on Lambton Quay". well, clearly not quite. But I kind of feel like I'm washed up on soem deadfish beach of a shore in public service land on the Terrace.

and I'm praying for the right wave to come back in take me back to a real beach with sand and real people and real issues not this artificila construct.

Like, actually, I don't want inscribed on my headstone - lived on deadfish beach, no*** The Terrace, 2008-2009. I really dont.


Today I met a former colleague at Bordauex - while queing. He was buying a wild boar sandwich. As he would say himself - brillant. given the stuff about pigs and all that - and the fact that he works at MAF. I kinda of liked the little joke he could play on himself over lunch.

Thursday, May 7, 2009

Best bread ever

Tonight I made my first sour dough bread. Ok it didn't look pretty. But it was the best bread ever. It tops my bread making achievements to date. The wholemeal bread has been edible and good. But well, my sourdough bread was divine. I made a Carterton version of a bacon buttie. Fresh hot sourdough bread with avocado, rocket and freerange bacon. Delicious. I'm made a ham sandwich for tomorrow. So that will be the tests how well it keeps overnight. I'm not sure I save that much making my own bread but there is something magical about it - indeed as Zappo the Magician knows! I'm not sure it would have won an award at the Country Womens Institute cooking session for "technical ability" for soughdough. but as far as I am concerned, it made a first class sandwich.

I'm contemplating setting myself a challenge to make my own bread and not buy bread.

I'm looking forward to the weekend when I make Brioche Suisse and Creme Patissere.

Oh, conclusion to the horse story: I turned my note into an Aide Memoire. I then turned the Aide Memoire into Briefing. Then my manager decided that perhaps we really shouldn't be informing the Ministers office that a horse has four legs and a tail.

Speaking of animals my colleague's cat died last night. I have great sympathy for this and know it can be heartwrenching. But it was odd. This become the focus (not by the affected colleague) but the other colleagues for the day. Anyway, I guess it kind of broke the ice for the mood.

Wednesday, May 6, 2009


Today I spent my first half hour at work in correspondence with the "Managing Director" of the company that runs the pschy tests. Basically I had written and said I would be keen to take advantage of the free follow up sessions. The reply back said that this is a 12 month offer and since I had my assessment only last week, and the fact that Mr X is in in huge demand and booked up for months, and only fits in the freebies when there is space, then perhaps could I come back in a couple of months time when there is space - unless I really needed "assistance" urgently. Anyway, following exchange of emails and viola I have an appointmnet on Friday with Mr X for 40 minutes. Every email from the "Managing Director" referred to the "assistance" Mr X could provide. Anyway, about the third email in the "Managing Director" seemed to agree me with me that I did need "urgent assistance".

The last half hour of my day I nearly burst into tears at work. In fact it was quite clear tears were welling up in my eyes and for the hour or so home on the train I had to stop mysefl form crying. Basically I was asked to write a breifing on whether a horse has 4 legs and a tail and instructed to consult with a key external agency on whether a horse hsa 4 legs and a tail. The external agency thanked me for consulting with them for consulting but politely explained that really they were only interested in what they had been asked to do and that was explain that a sheep is woolley animal with four legs. My collegaue then kept asking me to consult the Ministers office on whether a horse has four legs and a tail. I refused.

Then I met with my Manager and colleague. My Manager asked what was my problem consulting about whether a horse has 4 legs and a tail. So I explained that actually I was only relaying the advice form the man who actually looks after horses in my department. So, then I asked why wasn't the man who looks after horses writing the briefing. I was then clearly told it was my sections role to write about this kind of thing. We were providing intelligence and adding value. Well I'm sorry. I do not think so.

Then my manager corresponded with a number of people about my correspondence via email clarifying that my correspondence about the horse with four legs and a tail was really about a brown animal with four legs and tail.

It kind of sums up my issues - no point, low trust ennvironment and completely soul destroying.

It was deeply embarrassing, and has sucked my work spirit completely. c.o.m.p.l.e.t.e.l.y.

Finally, after my meeting my manager and colleague had this post meeting. Somehow I need to stop this. I need to position myself so I am the last to leave in the room. Like I so want to say, if you have something to say man have the guts to say it to my face don't have a secondary meeting about when you were the one who told me that the external agency is intersted in whether a horse has four legs and a tail.

I'm not sure what my strategy for tomorrow is.

Friday, May 1, 2009

Bread and Yeast course

1. I've been tasked with writing this post before Homeperm and Strongerlight get home.
2. Note breadmaking is both a science and an artform

I have just spend the day learning how to bread and yeast products. The course is run by Jo Crabb at Careme. The courses are held at Palliser Vineyard, Martinboough. Amazing. I would totally recommned them.

So, now I can make healthy wholemeal loaves, chicken sandwiches with real mayonaise. Brioche Suisse and Calzone and pizzas. I learnt a little more about wine.

As with any continuing education type course, the sucess is usually down to 3 factors - the quality of the teaching, the motivation of the students, and the course composition. Todays course had all three elements and the bonus factor of getting to eat top quality food and drink top quality wine. First of all I attended with Strongerlight and Homeperm. So that was a great start. Then there were new people:

I loved it when the tutor said "shut up" to the customer version of Hells Kitchen- it was water off a ducks back. Then later the tutor asked if there were any questions relating to making the bread and the same woman that had been told to shut up said "so what happened to your harpsichord"?

Another beuatiful moment was when the gay man from Gaytown leaned over to the nice lady next to me from Parapaumu and said "I think we've met before - I'm a magician." Like random and becasue his previous sentence had been about putting egg whites on your face to stay young and beautiful I thought he had said "I'm a beautician" - and then later discretely the nice lady's hearing aid fell out but she quickly popped it back in!

I so need to do more extramural courses based on my interests. Its a fun way to meet people and have fun.

It was good having homeperm and storngerlight to visit - I tidied my house (but I luckily they weren't the hotel inspector), I got a new light in my bathroom installed, my petrol can filled, and got to havle coffee again in Gaytown.

I needed today as the conclusion on my tests results process came through yesterday. Basically the panel thought I was amazing (I am), have a lovely personality (I do) and that I impressed them beyond belief (I did). The third factor and my last posting re my results for the pcyhometic part meant I am not fast enough for my application to be sucessful.

Strangely, I feel slightly relieved that the screening process has had this outcome. I feel stronger as a person for going through the process. It doesnn't resolve where I will be going next, but it has meant that I get one free sesssion of follow up career/pchyological counseelling.